Cadbury Creme Eggs are my favorite extreme indulgence. The divine filling, made of what I can only assume is corn syrup, lard and unicorn tears, is the perfect accompaniment to the creamy, intensely sweet chocolate shell.

The unctuous satisfaction of cracking into one of these calorie bombs is (luckily) reserved only for the Spring, so when I see these homemade mockeries posted to Pinterest, my first instinct is, ‘Hell, yeah! I’m going to make these all. the. time.’

And then I read the recipe and I’m like, ‘Damn; I was right. The primary ingredient is self-loathing.’

When I read a little farther, even the blogger who purports to have made these gems in her own home begins to express some dubiousness at the prospect of concocting creme-filled anything. As one would assume, it’s a lot of steps. And there are molds involved.

So to this ‘Oh, Pinterest’ project, I say: Just wait until April when the genuine foil-wrapped articles hit the shelf. (And start hitting the gym now, because like I said, corn syrup. So. Much. Corn syrup.)

Before we begin today’s post, let me preface this with a statement:

I love food.

I love it. I love steak frites with herbed butter. I’ll gladly scrape the almost burnt onion bits off the cast iron skillet that formerly held 2 lbs. of beef fajitas. (That I ate after diving face first into a bowl of queso blanco.) Today I hosted a brunch of chicken and waffles with red velvet cupcakes and pineapple mimosas.

That said, when it comes to indulgence,  we all have our line in the sand and mine is this:

‘Polar Express Hot Chocolate’. If you’re feeling a little queasy right now, don’t worry. Just go to your happy place and I’ll do the math for you:

1.5 cups of heavy cream - 821 calories

1 can sweetened condensed milk - 1300 calories

2 cups bittersweet chocolate chips - 805 calories

6 cups milk (2%) - 732 calories

1 teaspoon vanilla extract - 12 calories

GRAND TOTAL: 3670 calories.

Based on a serving size of 6 people, that would bring you to 612 calories/serving. I would tell you how many grams of sugar and lard there are in this little concoction but, well, I don’t know how to add numbers that big.

I looked for an equivalent on the Starbucks menu, but even the ‘venti’ size of the most decadent drinks came up over 100 calories short. So I kept looking and discovered that most fast food junior bacon cheeseburgers pack fewer calories than this monstrosity.

Even thinned out with 6 cups of relatively calorie-light milk, I can’t imagine that this stuff has a consistency much different from mud. Slimy, chocolatey mud. Shudder.